CLOWNS AND MIMES       posted 04-21-2006
 MISCELLANEOUS       posted 04-14-2006

Archive Page 043

Meet the Characters

RII 2006-04-14

Ah, Easter. Is there anything better than a holiday based around the premise of the dead coming back to life to walk amongst us? Probably not, so it’s little wonder why the zombies roaming around my neighborhood consider this holiday the most holy of holy. They like Halloween too, however, mostly because they get candy. Speaking of candy, Easter is also a time for sweet treats. Cadbury Crème Eggs ®, Chocolate Bunnies, Popcorn Bunnies, Jellybeans, and, perhaps most sacred of all, the Peep ®. I can only imagine the thought process that went into the creation of the Peep, but I’ll bet it went something like this.

But let’s not forget the true meaning of Easter. Generating revenue for Hallmark during the dry period between Valentine’s Day and Christmas. What else does April have to offer? I mean, besides April showers, which according to several scientific reports, do in fact bring May flowers. Last I checked, April was merely the bastard cousin to March, which at least has St. Patrick’s Day and the first day of Spring. Now May, on the other hand, May represents the start of something beautiful. The month the pools open (at least in my area). In some areas of the world, the pools are probably open year round. Here I am looking toward my readers in Florida and California.

I personally think that Hallmark is really missing a big opportunity here. Who wouldn’t want a card to commemorate the opening of the pools for the year? It could have a picture of a child in an inner tube on the front, and on the inside it could say, “The pools are open. Urine for a treat!” or maybe they could go with this instant classic; on the front it would have a picture of a swimming pool and it would say “Pool season is upon us” and on the inside would be a picture of an old guy in a thong bending over to pick a fingernail and a clump of hair up out of the water and it would say, “Damn Leprosy”.

I’m sure that dollar signs just flashed in John D. Hallmark’s eyes. $$. Anyway, enjoy the new cartoon. It’s about beards (sort of).

RII 2006-04-21

How much energy does reading take? The reason I’m asking is because if reading takes a great deal of energy, I can claim that I’m helping people lose weight, and that would make me a fitness author. Most of those people make far more money than cartoonists, even those of us who are dead sexy. I guess I could try my hand at other books, perhaps on the subject of gardening, for example. I could write a book called “Composting for Dummies. It’s only 2 easy steps:

Step (1): Throw crap in a pile
Step (2): Leave

I’ll bet we’d all agree that my talents would be wasted on such a book. You see, this whole thing started when I was trying to think of ways in which I could make a great deal of money, and becoming a famous author was one of them. The other ideas were baseball player, corrupt politician, world famous actor, drug dealer, or crafty accountant who cooks the books. The trouble is, most of these jobs carry with them some degree of danger. For example, being a drug dealer is dangerous because you may trip coming down your Italian marble staircase, and being a baseball player is dangerous, because you may injure yourself having sex with multiple women, often in the same night.

I figured that “famous author” was a pretty safe gig, except for the paper cuts. The following is an excerpt from a diet book I’m hoping to release:

Step (1): Eat less
Step (2): Eat better
Step (3): Exercise

I know it’s short, but I think that $29.95 is a small price when you consider the extreme risks I’m taking in producing this book. Those paper cuts hurt!


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