Typically the narrator, or at the very least the observer of the
events in question. My representation in the cartoons varies between
this, and a *slightly* closer likeness.
My house, by some grand cosmic decree, sits directly upon a
spectral nexus of random and bizarre events. This vortex, I am sure,
accounts for many of the strange and unusual things that happen to
me on a day to day basis.
A bitter, sarcastic, and heavily humanized simian.
He owns guns, drives a Lexus, and is probably more refined than
any other character. He just has anger issues. When angered (as is
often the case) he is less inclined to throw feces, choosing the
more subtle method of raining destruction o'er the land.
Hobbies include: Partying, destruction, smoking (bad monkey!),
poker, blackjack, and encouraging bad behavior.
Tim (A.K.A. Cyborg Tim)
Another smoking, drinking, cursing, bitter, sarcastic character.
Gotta love that!
Robot Tim, while designed to be helpful around the house...isn't.
He is more likely to sleep with the neighbor's wife than do the
laundry. And if he were to do the laundry, it would probably only be
to conceal evidence of some heinous crime.
Hobbies include (in addition to above): Messing with humans,
teasing the lawnmower (and other appliances), and taking things
apart just to prove he's "better than them".
He came from a far off world, somewhere in the vicinity of, oh,
let's say the giant elliptical galaxy M87 (NGC 4486 - also known as
Virgo A) discovered in 1781 by Charles Messier.
As of right now, we still don't know a lot about him, and we
haven't even given him an official name yet. We tried "Princess
Cute" and "Penelope Ann Miller", but each time he
vaporized something we really liked. We'll come up with something
eventually. The thing I am most worried about is that he is being
corrupted by my pet monkey.
No picture available (yet)
|My Other Pets
Every good cartoon strip has to have at
least one dog and one cat. Mine is no exception. I also have other
pets in the strip including wolverines and probably a shark or
two. And let's throw in a few chickens, sheep and a water buffalo.
As I really introduce these characters, I will add individual bios.
No picture available
A regular part of the strip allowing me to
discuss relationship topics.
purposefully gone out of my way to avoid going into too much detail
on the subject in the cartoons. It is unresolved as to whether
"My girlfriend" relates to one girl that I keep getting
back together with, or if it relates to a series of relationships
that go awry.
For some reason, things
never seem to go well with the ladies in the strip.
The building-sized, atomic fire breathing, scaly reptile blamed
for much destruction the world over.
Godzilla lives in my neighborhood, and drops by the house on
occasion to hide from the police, grab a quick Pudding Pop (R) or
borrow a poncho. An overall friendly monster, he has a bad rap
because he can't help smashing things. He'll typically leave my
house alone because I have a Foreman Grill (R).
Hobbies: Smashing, crushing, bludgeoning, breathing atomic fire,
eating police cars, and mahjong.
The deity of renowned.
Like Godzilla (R), Jesus hangs around because I have a Foreman
Grill (R). He also digs my parties. His most overused saying,
"You can sleep with all the hookers you want, I'm still not
dying for your sins again!"
Sometimes the J.C. and I will fight, but it's usually over silly
things. He'll typically let me win, but the next day I'll usually
find a fresh key mark on my car.
Kool-Aid Man (R)
The affable fruit-drink mix pitcher!
The Kool-Aid man works at the store that I work at. We don't know
for sure what he does, but he's been showing up every day for years.
Even though he magically refills any fluid lost, he still gets angry
when you try to drink out of his head.
No picture available (yet)
Devil (A.K.A. Lucifer, the
dark lord, etc.)
Once challenged God for the Kingdom of
Heaven (dumbass) and was sent away to Hell, to rule for all
eternity. That's the part most people know. What they don't know, is
that the Devil now spends most of his time moping around the 7-11
down the street from me.
Hobbies include: Doling out eternal
punishment, hide-and-seek, influencing political strategy.
Strip Mall By My House
This is the place where all of the stores
in my world exist. New stores are constantly opening up in the strip
mall, and those stores are where I go to get everything I need from
food, to building materials, to frozen yogurt. Sometimes I will even
have merchants set up on blankets outside of the strip mall, in a
flea-market type setting.
The mall is a character in itself, as it
has personality by proxy to the stores located within.
Bigfoot (A.K.A. Sasquatch or
the Abominable Snowman)
The monster of local legend.
"Moved in" with me one morning when I let
my guard down and offered him a blueberry bagel. Yes, I know they're
sweet and tasty, but I don't move into McDonalds when they serve me
Bigfoot currently holds a job at the local bank in a
risk management position. It was part of our deal for him to earn
his keep. His only other duty is keeping that damn Lucky Leprechaun
Hobbies include: Posing for blurry photographs,
leaving footprints, and needlepoint.
The fall guy, i.e. the generic guy who gets to take
the brunt of all jokes that don't work for anyone else. Karl may
make appearances in the cartoon proper, but his specialty is
throwaway gags. Don't let his movie star good looks fool you, he
really is as dumb as a brick.
Karl, as the generic guy, is a jack of all trades.
You will see him from time to time in a variety of different roles.
The McDonald's (R) Crew
As it often does, fortune smiled upon me, blessing
me with the one McDonald's restaurant in the world manned by the actual
McDonald's mascot characters.
The Keebler Elves (R)
These little S.O.B.s live in one of the trees in my yard. From my experience, these
little guys are not to be trusted. Honestly, they're elves, living
in a tree, offering cookies to strangers. You think they've got your
best interest at heart? Not bloody likely. Sorry Keebler, I don't
Probably one of the greatest guys I know. Really, I mean,
just...wow. Just first rate all the way.
*See I have to make him feel good about himself, otherwise, the
fact that all of the mayhem, carnage, and unbridled insanity
surrounding my home that spills over into his yard, would make him
snap, and kill me. And his cheating wife (see Robot Tim)*
Not necessarily the Pope, but more along the lines of a
Pope. (I want to state right now that I really thought that PJP the
2 was great, and it was sad when he passed away.)
The Pope in my world is sort of a partier. Affable, fun-loving,
and not afraid to shatter some religious taboos. His favorite
saying, "Am I Catholic?" (in response to a question to
which the answer is yes).
Hobbies include: Interpretive dance, strip clubs, fishing, and
sanctifying stuff. And boy, oh boy, does he deliver one hell of a
high mass, let me tell you.
Everything you need, like nothing you'd expect.
From what little information is available, I've pieced together
the following history on the zombies roaming my city streets:
Years ago, immediately after the Japanese bombed pearl harbor,
during the height of the civil war of 1812, brother was fighting
brother as the North fought the South. One brave captain,
outnumbered and outgunned, swore a blood oath that if defeated in
battle, he and his soldiers would never rest until all of his
murders and their families had been torn limb from limb, and their
brains eaten. Obviously, this freaked out the zombies living nearby,
who immediately consumed both armies (easily too, I might add.
Because they were ZOMBIES). The zombies themselves were apparently brought to this country by England. Once again emphasizing the
dangers brought about from introduced species.
The zombies themselves do relatively little damage, and only eat
the occasional straggler dumb enough to be outside after 4p.m.
Fought a bitter war, that raged for some time, leaving many dead.
Inconveniencing to say the least. Imagine getting up in the middle
of the night and having to step over piles of three-inch tall bloody
little mystical creatures.
I finally put a stop to the great war by convincing both sides to
go into business with me creating cheap knockoffs of designer
cookies. Our primary competition: Those damn Keebler Elves (R).