Here is a collection of commonly asked questions.  If you think of any more, or you just want to send in a question and maybe have it end up here, just write me by clicking on "Contact me" on the PDA to the left.  Last updated 04-27-2005.


Q.  WTF man, WTF?

A.  I don't understand your strange, but beautiful language!


Q.  It means "What the [obscenity deleted--kill all humans]"

A.  Oh, I get it's an Anakramnon!  Wonderful!


Q.  What's an Anakramnon?

A.  Ha, ha, ha.  I read books.


Q.  No, I mean--

A.  Let it go brother, let it go.


Q.  How often are cartoons/stories/plays updated?

A.  Cartoons are typically updated once a week, usually with the addition of two new cartoons at a time.  The day of posting is a little variable right now, as I have work and school to contend with.  Plays/Stories are updated as I can do that, which is every so often.  Ahhh, vague. Is there anything better?  The FAQ is updated as you, the fans, send me questions.  Other stuff (i.e. the less important stuff) is updated every so often as I create stuff worth posting.

Q.  I represent the secret service.  We believe it was you who mailed the President a nude photo of Eleanor Roosevelt.

A.  Questions typically end in a question mark, friend.  Write it down.  Whew, glad I dodged that bullet.


Q.  My best friend told me that you know when the world is going to end.  Is that true?

A.  I happen to know your friends, they're all losers.  They're correct, but losers nonetheless.


Q.  So you actually do know when the world is going to come to an end?

A.  Yes.


Q.  And that would be when?

A.  It's going to be on a Wednesday.


Q.  That makes sense.

A.  That's not a question!


Q.  Just how frequently are these questions asked?

A.  I typically get four to five hundred emails an hour, and while most of them are merely praising how cool I am, or asking how someone could become as cool as me, or just generally using the word "you" and the word "cool" many, many times; at least three or four of them ask legitimate questions such as this next one.


Q.  What type of enzyme is primase and what type of molecule does it make? How does it differ from PolIII in terms of initiation of polymerization and why is that important for DNA replication?

A. An excellent question Johnny!  Primase is an RNA polymerase enzyme that makes the RNA primers for DNA replication.  Unlike DNA polymerase, which can only attach nucleotides to an existing 3’-OH group, primases do not require a primer to initiate synthesis of new strands.  This is a needed function to have because if a primer was not available DNA replication could not proceed.


Q.  In your cartoons, Jesus and the Devil are regular characters.  So are the Pope, Lucky Leprechaun, Godzilla, Bigfoot (Sasquatch), and many others.  Do you personally know these entities?

A.  "He's more machine than man now.  Twisted and evil". -Darth Vader


Q.  I don't understand.

A.  (Starts chewing on a shopping bag).


Q.  Can you use the word "donor" in a sentence?

A.  "Donor butt look fat in them jeans?"


Q.  That's pretty good.

A.  Ahem.


Q.  I mean,…that's pretty good?

A.  You better believe it!!!!


Q.  If your paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes can you fit in a doghouse? - Charlie B.

A.  Charlie, of all people you should know that canoe wheels just don't "fall off".  I suggest you buy a book.  Or drugs.  Whatever it takes man, but hey, get help.  (Also, it's about 409 pancakes, or "hotcakes" as some like to call them)


Q.  Can doing the Hokey-Pokey really scare off a bear? - Candi Q.

A.  Candi, Legally I cannot say that the hokey pokey could DEFINITELY scare off a bear. I can say that the hokey pokey scares me, and I'm WAY smarter than a bear.
I cannot claim to be an expert on bears, even with my degree in biology. The technique that has always served me well, is holding my arms apart and running at the bear screaming, at the top of my lungs, I'M GONNA TEAR YOU UP, DAMN BEAR!!!  In other words, the same technique I use when meeting prominent foreign leaders. 


Q.  Who would win [in a fight], Howard Stern, or Daniel Stern? - Greg T.

A.  That is an excellent question.  I assume we are talking man-to-man, where fans may not enter into the picture.  To answer this question I consulted the sacred, ancient references, Home Alone and Private Parts.  Wish as he may, Howard Stern is only a man, not a god.  He is mortal.  He may be killed.  Daniel Stern on the other hand is something else.  He is immortal.  He may not be stopped.  By anything.  He was hit in the face with paint cans and pipes.  He was battered, bruised, and crushed.  An iron falling 2 stories into his face did not phase him.  Nails went through his foot and still he kept coming.  No contest Greg.


Q.  er...i had another question...i forgot due to my
tarantula friend trying to eat me..again...

A.  Yes Adam, I can see that like myself, you have way too much time.  I find
that giant tarantulas respond best to being stabbed in the soft underbelly.
I reference the third Lord of the Rings film when Sam stabs Shelob.  Good
luck with that.


Q.  Life is too short to go against the establishment, but still too long to put up with “the man’s” crap. Is there anything I can do?

A.  Have you tried RVing? Tom Selleck makes it sound very nice in the commercials. Although the fact that he’s making commercials makes me suspicious that he’s associated with this “man” of which you speak. I have three other suggestions, but they all involve drug use, so I’m not sure if that’s appealing.


Q.  How good are you at tongue twisters?

A.  Beyond winning the NAATT’s (North American Association of Tongue Twisters) 42nd annual tongue twister competition, and placing second in the TTGAITAIC  (Tongue Twisters Guild of the Americas Including the Aleutian Islands and Chile) Tournament of Champions, pretty damn good. Watch this: Toy Boat, Toy Boat, Toy Boat. Not too shabby, huh? Want more? Here I go: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? He’d chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could if a woodchuck could chuck wood. Represent.


Q.  You have made it obvious that Daniel Stern would win in a battle against Howard Stern. Who would win in a battle between your hero Darth Vader and Daniel Stern. I am making a chart like they use in the college basketball playoffs and my final four include Darth Vader, Daniel Stern, Moe Howard and Evil Bert.  I am glad that I can finally scratch off Howard Stern. Thanks, Mike P.

A.  Ok, now we’re getting somewhere. Let’s look at this logically. All those people mentioned would be super powerful in their own right. Vader has the force and a lightsaber, Daniel Stern has invulnerability and tenacity, Moe Howard is also invulnerable and also has that nearly unbeatable hand move and the eye gouging, and Evil Bert has an army of little kids to do his bidding, many of whom probably have superpowers themselves (here I reference the movies The Children of the Corn, The Omen, X-Men and Harry Potter). Evil Bert also has an army of Muppets, many of whom are freaks and voiced by Yoda (who was a master of the force). Taking this one step further, consider that other than Bert, the others are all mortal. Moe died, Vader died, and Daniel Stern is no spring chicken. Bert, on the other hand, has not aged a day since 1969!!! Time truly is on his side. But is death truly the end? Vader came back as a much less fearsome version of himself after death, and most people haven’t seen Moe at all, so I think we can assume that death is a negative. Unless you’re Jesus. And because he was not on your list, I think that Evil Bert will win your contest. I have foreseen it.


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