PLAGUES      posted 11-10-05
KOOL-AID MAN      posted 11-10-05
Archive Page 033

RII 2005-11-10                   Meet the Characters

I really need to start spending more time on this site, unfortunately I've been busy with my new job, actually trying to start a new career so I can, oh, I don't know, not starve to death. See, that's the funny thing about people. You put them at risk of starving to death, and then all of a sudden you've never heard such whining. Come on people! Stop being such sissies whatever sissies don't do. You like that? I have a way with words that makes most people something, something. Regardless, the bottom line is this: Christopher Walken needs to be in more stuff, Will Ferrell needs to make some more Celebrity Jeopardy, and every fast food worker out there needs to step up their game so my order will be right more often than the amount of time it takes for Haley's comet to come around again. But I'm not bitter.

Actually, I am. I think one reason for this is the St. Louis weather. For those of you smart enough to not live in St. Louis, Missouri, you may not know how it is here. Let me provide an example.  Today the high was 64, that was in the morning. It's gotten progressively colder as the day has gone on. The past two days it was in the 80s. In November in the Northern hemisphere. So far this week we've had rain, thunderstorms, balmy tropical weather and right now, it's 30 degrees. Two days from now there will be more rain, and a high of 70. Mark my words, in a week we'll have snow, hail, rivers turning to blood, a low of -20, a high of 130, and perhaps a plague o' locusts o'er the land. Yes, I am exaggerating slightly. The high will probably only be 125 degrees.

Everything's falling in line with my prophecy that the world will be ending on November 23, 05 at 8:13 and 21 seconds. Sound familiar? Yes, it's the Fibonacci sequence: 1 1 2 3 5 8 13 21. Fibonacci, really Leonardo Pisano, was born in Italy in 1170. In addition to creating his famous sequence he also invented the record, and because everyone called him "LP" for short, this is how records got their nickname "LPs". People today no longer have any recollection of what records or "LPs" are because of the advent of CDs (named for their creator, Count Dracula). Count Draculas (or "CDs" for short) have become extremely popular and have all but eliminated LPs. For this reason most people will only remember Fibonacci for his sequence. Not that this is any small thing! On the contrary. The Fibonacci sequence is a magnificent one, far better than my sequence ( 6 ), and I'm pretty sure it's an accurate predictor of all world events. In fact I used it three weeks ago to predict that two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders would get arrested after having sex in a restroom stall, and that prediction sure came true. So, I guess we all only have a few weeks left to live, and won't get to enjoy the wonder that is Thanksgiving. I suggest a rigorous course of drinking and hedonistic partying to pass the time before the fires of Armageddon burn the land and boil the seas. There'll also be bingo, so be on the lookout for that!


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