SECURITY       posted 03-14-2006
 MAFIA       posted 03-17-2006

Archive Page 041

Meet the Characters

RII 2006-03-17

Welcome back fans, and Happy St. Patrick’s Day! St. Patrick, as you may not be aware because you are so concerned with getting hammered on green beer and sleeping with green prostitutes to even read the back of the sugar packet at Denny’s ®, is a really famous dead saint you know? He became famous for claiming that he ran all of the snakes out of Ireland. That’s a pretty amazing feat, akin to me saying that I drove all of the lions and elephants out of North America. They haven’t made me a saint yet though! The thing is, his timing was better.

St. Patrick made his claim in a time when people were stupid and ignorant of the world. Completely unlike today, where we have American Idol ®. I’ll bet the conversation would have been something to see. In fact, I know it was interesting because I found a brief excerpt of it in my head, and turned it into one of my short plays. Stealing isn’t wrong if it’s made up! You can find that travesty; I mean tragedy – no…great play by clicking here.

In closing, let me just say that when you’re forcing handfuls of stale, green pretzels and taking stale, green STD pills, remember St. Patrick as a hero. A hero for all of us who wish to be discussed on sugar packets at Denny’s ®, without having to do anything like – God Forbid – work at it. I need another case of green beer.

RII 2006-03-24

I had an interesting dream last night. It wasn’t about a new cartoon, although there is one out there. No, what I dreamt last night was far odder than any cartoon I could come up with while I was awake. Or sober. I dreamed that I was granted a Cloak of Adjudification (what the hell is that? I assume my brain meant “adjudication”, but who the hell knows), and all of the people from high school were really jealous of me. I was one of three people to get one, the others being Harry Potter®, and Danny Concannon from the West Wing ®. The cloak symbolized the pinnacle of wisdom and justice, and I felt very honored to have received one. Sticking it to all the losers from high school felt good too.

“Oh really? A BMW, huh? You don’t say. Yeah, all I have is this wonderful Cloak of Adjudification…but I’m sure they were just giving these away….”

So what exactly is the message that I want you to take from this? What is my so-called point? The moral of this story is don’t eat chimichangas right before bed. An important lesson to learn. Somehow, I’m not sure I want to be stopped. How often are you hoisted onto the shoulders of greatness, and able to make all of the people from high school feel like slime? Well for me it’s everyday, because, hey…it’s me. But, I can see how some people might need a magic cloak. Now, if I could eat some bad Mexican food, fall asleep watching Star Wars ® and end up with a lightsaber, that would be pretty top notch. Somehow, I don’t see it happening.

I will settle for providing this week’s horoscope: With Venus rising in the elliptical of Jupiter’s proximity to its quadrant, this would be a great week to ask that burning question you’ve been meaning to ask someone. For example, who the hell says, “Top notch” anymore?


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